he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
