And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
