u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
