I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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