If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
