Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
