I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
