Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
