I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
