he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize