Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
