I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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