I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize