I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize