Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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