FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize