It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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