half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
