Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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