If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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