I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
