that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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