I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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