Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
