If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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