Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
