I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
