i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
