Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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