Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
