so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize