I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
