I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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