Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My nipple is on Facebook.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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