she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
