so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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