i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
whose parrot is this?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
