Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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