I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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