i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
BRING THE BAGELS
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
