So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
