You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize