i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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