I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
