she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
