you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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