that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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