I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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