i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize