FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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