I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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