I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
