Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
