I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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