sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
