Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
