Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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