He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
