Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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