So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
