thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
