It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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