I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
