dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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