I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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