I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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