I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
