I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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