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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
