Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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